Can I finally scream to the mountain tops that your boyfriend is indeed, ugly. Don’t be one of those people who shows others a picture of your SO and ask “aren’t they so handsome!?” Forcing the other party to agree with you. They’re not. He’s not. And the beauty in this is, who cares what other people think about your significant other’s appearance…just as long as you’re happy! Are you? Happy?

I’m going to be completely honest when I say…I bought my team Halloween candy to celebrate the holiday buutttt also because I want a fucking Reese’s. I’m an adult and I am craving chocolate and peanut butter childhood delight. I don’t have to dress up and go door to door. I just go to the store, buy the candy and give most of it to the crew at work and pretend I did them a favor : )  
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In the early AMs when I open the store, I’m mostly looking for rapists on my trek from the Apt to the car and from the car to the building. I am at high alert, standing tall, glancing from left to right, walking in the light rather than the dark. Making sure any potential rapist know, that I’m no bitch to be fucked with. You don’t want to rape this well aware, confident woman. Right? I’m sure you too might do this. I’m not saying “I’m soooo rape able”, God no. I’m saying- you can never be too alert or aware in the early morning darkness and at night…ooorrr I watch way too many murder shows, I’m convinced I’ll run into some kind of trouble. Anyway, instead of rapists this morning…I was looking out for clowns. I literally thought “I don’t want any clown to try and fuck with me this Halloween.” I HATE CLOWNS. I have hated clowns ever since I watched Stephen King’s IT, way too young, laying on my father’s chest at the Enfield house. I remember my mother coming home finding us watching IT together and she got so pissed! For good reason. Clowns are terrible. I’m convinced this whole clown phenomena is based off some hipster obsession with Stephen King’s novel/film. I’m over it already. I can’t fear rapists and clowns.

Things I also fear at 28? My doctor. I’d like to say- I didn’t sign up for this bitch. I went to this particular doctor under the impression I’d see her each time…wrong. So I’m seeing Dr. E instead of Dr. F (who I thought was my doctor) and Dr. E’s bedside manner sucks dicks. I’m getting blood work done, after I refused it. The lab is checking for all STDs because even though “I have been in a loving relationship for over two years” apparently YOU CAN GET IT FROM A TOILET SEAT, she told me. I knew she would be disappointed I got a pedicure over my toenail fungus I had an appt for, that’s why I mentioned it to the nurse beforehand! He was nice reassuring me she wouldn’t hate me because my toes were painted. But when she came into the room, she looked at my feet with disappointment, “Oooh your toes are painted. Oh.” Bitch. She will not reissue me birth control unless I stop smoking immediately…which I will but quitting cigarettes can be super hard for a lot of people. Dr. Bitch gets to look in my vagina on Tuesday after discussing my blood results…great. I look so much forward to Tuesday.

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